End Of summer.....Happy fall (hope so!)

 As I bust my ass to help him with a new business I find myself questioning why would I do this FOR him?? I have allowed him to use some of my family recipes to promote a catering/bbq competition business for him and his business partner.....I think the only reason is our oldest son is involved in it and I know he wants this for both of them.

I busted my ass for the past week preparing my homemade sauces for the competition and some homemade mac n cheese for a pot luck before the competition.....why I do and do for someone I feel has ZERO love for me is beyond me! I think about the fact I never knew what a marriage was supposed to look like......my grandparents were not the ideal married couple....they fought all the time, drank way to much and NEVER showed love to each other. Oh and my grandfather was the BIGGEST cheater known! We knew because my grandmother brought it up at every fight they ever had.....always talking about his "whores" it was not a healthy environment for either of us girls! (Maybe this is why my sister is such a mess!) I can say I am better then my grandmother as I can not and will not drag our kids into his fuck ups!

Not sure why I do what I do......maybe I will try this counseling stuff again to try and figure it out!

Have a good Sunday, hope to blog again soon. Been way busy this summer keeping myself busy so I don't have a breakdown.

Today is a bad day.....I am sure it has everything to do with me being so tired! I could fall asleep at my desk!

I have just been thinking about so many things lately and it has come down to am I truely happy with a cheater? NO I am not. However fear of the unknown is keeping me there or holding me down. Not sure what it is. I am scared to be alone....but being alone is far better then being made a fool of daily. With people whom know and laugh about the pain I am in..(some of his family don't care for me & after 25 years you would think they would have a little love for me but they don't)

I know I will loose some people whom I love and adore....they will choose their sides and loyalties often lay with blood. So I will be very alone other then my children and a few dear friends whom would never leave my side. This will be by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

WOW what can I say? I haven't been on in a while, not that I have any readers or anything. This is just a simple way for me to vent without involving family, friends and causing them hurt and or frustration.

I found out that once AGAIN he has been in contact with her, after swearing on EVERYTHING he would not be. After telling me he WANTS me and to be a good man to me and our children she is still in the picture. I was nice before and didn't want to hurt her kids like she hurt mine and didn't invole her family, however I don't think I can hold this in. SHE is NOT the SAINT she has made herself out to be! She sat in my living room about 18 months ago and SWORE she was just his friend and was HAPPY in her marriage and she would never do anything to HURT my family.....WELL that was a complete and total LIE! I have a bad temper and I am shocked I have not hurt her.  Times I want to....like the day I found out.....we were out in public because ME STUPID me was paying for a tire on his DAMN bike AGAIN! I slapped the crap out of him, almost ran him over as I drove away and just melted down.

The day I found out my world was turned upside down. I always felt something wasn't right with them....IT NEVER felt ok for them to be friends......not that she is a hotty or anything at all.  In fact she is about 8 years older then me and I am 5 years younger then him. I am attractive, yes I was over weight but I still have all the things he like....(boobs, Butt, long blonde hair) She has grey hair, short and spikey a flat ass and chest. Just not attractive at all, she chews gum all the time. like the lip smaking crazy way that I hate.

How can this be?? The man who BEGGED me to come back, who promised he would love me forever be a serial cheater? Yes I say serial cheater, because I have found so much more out then I ever wanted to know.  HE has messaged other women since we have been back together (2008) Told them we are just "roommates" and live together to give our kids a better life and make it affordable to live in a nice area! WTH!!! I would gladly move out of this shit town I am trapped in for a better life in the bay area or in another state!!

I feel trapped.....If I leave AGAIN then my kids look down on me AGAIN because he will never take fault in anything....he never admits any wrong doing.
Well two of our three kids know more then he thinks they do....(they are adults  and asked me alot of questions!)

Having another bad bad day. I can't keep the thoughts of his betrayal leave my mind. I hate it. I feel I am unlovable. My fears of abandonment come to my mind over and over again. I must be unworthy of so much for this much pain to be in my life.

 I try to remember all the good times and all the times I felt joy and happiness. However with this dark cloud of him that surrounds me it is hard.

I know I can no longer live there, I can't hardly look at him with out pure distain he has changed me as a person and that is one thing that I swore no one would ever do.

This has hit me like a ton of bricks!

This has hit me like a ton of bricks!

It seems when the one person who shouldn't hurt you does you can't get the bad thoughts out of your mind. Betrayal is the worst feeling ever. He is supposed to protect me and not allow the hurt to come through. However he has caused it. The words I have read in the emails between them have burned into my brain. I can't stop replaying the day over and over in my head. I just want to scream and it seems his lack of compassion is killing me slowly.

Feelings of Humiliation, betrayal, pain, heartbreak= something we never want but get.....making you feel like you are unable to LOVE again. Why open yourself up to the pain again?

Trust, love compassion, devotion and passion= something we all WANT and need to feel whole, but often never ever get.

I have spent my whole life dealing with loss.....the loss of both parents, and a shot at a normal life was gone when I was 5! However I have always been positive and upbeat. I think part of that is built in me with my Mom and how she always thought about positive things in life....being able to love, breath and enjoy the little things.

I know I should resort back to my own positive way of thinking and maybe I will feel better.