Having another bad bad day. I can't keep the thoughts of his betrayal leave my mind. I hate it. I feel I am unlovable. My fears of abandonment come to my mind over and over again. I must be unworthy of so much for this much pain to be in my life.

 I try to remember all the good times and all the times I felt joy and happiness. However with this dark cloud of him that surrounds me it is hard.

I know I can no longer live there, I can't hardly look at him with out pure distain he has changed me as a person and that is one thing that I swore no one would ever do.

This has hit me like a ton of bricks!

This has hit me like a ton of bricks!

It seems when the one person who shouldn't hurt you does you can't get the bad thoughts out of your mind. Betrayal is the worst feeling ever. He is supposed to protect me and not allow the hurt to come through. However he has caused it. The words I have read in the emails between them have burned into my brain. I can't stop replaying the day over and over in my head. I just want to scream and it seems his lack of compassion is killing me slowly.

Feelings of Humiliation, betrayal, pain, heartbreak= something we never want but get.....making you feel like you are unable to LOVE again. Why open yourself up to the pain again?

Trust, love compassion, devotion and passion= something we all WANT and need to feel whole, but often never ever get.

I have spent my whole life dealing with loss.....the loss of both parents, and a shot at a normal life was gone when I was 5! However I have always been positive and upbeat. I think part of that is built in me with my Mom and how she always thought about positive things in life....being able to love, breath and enjoy the little things.

I know I should resort back to my own positive way of thinking and maybe I will feel better.